Redneck Medical Terms

Artery......................The study of paintings.

Aorta………………….A orta be there when we git there.

Benign..........................What you be after you be eight.
Bacteria........................Back door to cafeteria.
Barium.........................What doctors do when patients die.
Cesarean Section..........A neighborhood in Rome.
Catscan........................Searching for Kitty.
Cauterize......................Made eye contact with her.
Colic............................A sheep dog.
Coma...........................A punctuation mark.
D&C............................Where Washington is.
Dilate...........................To live long.
Enema..........................Not a friend.
Fester...........................Quicker than someone else.
Fibula...........................A small lie.
G.I.Series....................World Series of military baseball.

Genital……………….Non-Jewish person
Hangnail......................What you hang your coat on.
Impotent......................Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain...................Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff................A Doctor's cane.
Morbid........................A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates.......................Cheaper than day rates.
Node...........................I knew it.
Outpatient...................A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear...................A fatherhood test.
Pelvis...........................Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative.............A letter carrier.
Recovery Room...........Place to do upholstery.
Rectum.......................Damn near killed him.
Secretion.....................Hiding something
Seizure........................Roman emperor.
Tablet.........................A small table.
Terminal Illness...........Getting sick at the airport.
Tumor........................More than one.
Urine..........................Opposite of mine.
Varicose......................Near by/close by

Redneck Definitions

• A pubic hair is a type of wild rabbit.
• Asphalt describes rectal problems.
• A condom is a large apartment.
• Douche is the French word for "twelve”
• Genitals are people of non-Jewish descent.
• A diaphragm is a drawing in Geometry.
• Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke.
• An erection is when Japanese people vote.
• A dildo is a variety of the sweet pickle.
• An umbilical cord is part of a parachute.
• Spread Eagle is an extinct bird.
• A menstrual cycle has three wheels.
• The clitoris is a type of flower.
• Testicles are found on an octopus.
• Kotex is a radio station in Cincinnati.
• Masturbate is used to catch large fish.

How to Wash a Cat

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.

2. Add about 1 cup of shampoo to the toilet water and raise both lids.

3. Get the cat and sooth him while you carry him to the bathroom.

4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape.

CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any flesh they can find.

5. Flush the toilet four times (once for the “power wash” and three more times for the “rinse cycle.”

6. Have someone open the bathroom door and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the bathroom door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside, thereby initiating the “dry cycle.”

Sincerely,

The DOG