Ron's List

Of Things Girls Should Never Say To Guys When Dating
(and Think They Still Have a Chance in Hell to Start a Meaningful Relationship.)

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Sometimes love ain't nothing but a misunderstanding between two fools.

Anonymous

. . .Rest assured that when I start to make you nervous
and I'm 'going to extremes
Tomorrow I will change…and today won't mean a thing.

Meridith Brooks. Bitch from Blurring the Edges.

". . .Never be too sure of anything. . . .In short, there is no end of false signs, no end
of beginnings. And the single end that is shared must be unforseen."

Daniel Mark Epstein. Playboy, April, 1985.

"It's a funny thing about girls. Every time you mention some guy that's strictly a bastard--very mean, or very conceited and all--and you mention it to the girl, she'll tell you he has an inferiority complex. Maybe he has, but that still doesn't keep him from being a bastard, in my opinion. . . .The trouble with girls is, if they like a boy, no matter how big a bastard he is, they'll say he has an inferiority complex, and if they don't like him, no matter how nice a guy he is, or how big an inferiority complex he has, they'll say he's conceited. Even smart girls do it."

Holden Caulfield from Catcher in the Rye

"Women. . .you can't live without 'em and. . .HELL, that's about it !!! "

Ron from Plain 'Ol Experience.

The Thing About Women With Big Butts Is That They NEVER Get A Little Behind In Anything They Do.

Anonymous

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The Words Every Girl Wants To Hear From A Man

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29. She's so ugly, she could Trick-Or-Treat over the Phone.

28. She's so fat, when she steps on the scales, it says "TO BE CONTINUED..."

27. She has so much hair under her arms, she looks like she has Buckwheat in a headlock.

26. She's so fat, she jumped into the air and got stuck.

25. She's so fat, her measurements are made in light-years.

24. She's so fat, her PICTURE weighs 300 pounds.

23. "My license plate says FXY LADY."

Women, before you buy one of these tags, you need to (1) be sure that you are foxy (Hint: 2 teeth, 300 lbs. and hair that's oily enough that Texaco pays you mineral rights, doesn't qualify you as "Foxy," (wearing a mini-skirt surely doesn't help, either) and (2) that you are a lady (if you mention the word "championship wrestling" or “Monster Truck Pull” more than once a decade, theTax Assessor shouldn't issue you the tag to begin with).

22. "I'm thick, not fat."

The Amazon Jungle is "thick." The elephants, however, are FAT.

21. What's the deal with women who go out in public with curlers in their hair?

One advantage. . .Stick a cable up their butt, turn them a little, and get FREE HBO !!!

20. "I'm just slightly overweight."

Uh, huh. Is that why advertisers write GOODYEAR on your ass, and float you over the Superbowl at halftime??? Your ass has more Zip Codes than California. (HINT: You know you're big when you're standing at the bus station waiting to get onboard and the driver tries to put luggage in your butt!)

19. "Not tonight, I have a headache."

No wonder Bayer Aspirin sends you THANK YOU cards.

18. "I don't drink much."

Oh, let me guess. . .you just store it in that hump on your back ???

17. "I know your kids will like me."

Yeah, they liked you in The Wizard of OZ too. . .especially when that house fell on you.

16. "I'm coming by to see you."

Well, Honey, it's 20 degrees outside, and HELL ain't frozen over yet !!!.

15. "I'll call you."

Call me what? Stupid for believing that you'd ACTUALLY do anything you say you will?.

14. "I've only had two dates before I met you."

How true. Once with the band, and once with the football team.

13. "I don't want to argue about it."

Sure she doesn't. If she was a rude, crude, and socially-unacceptable IDIOT then, why would she want to change now?

12. "We'd better be careful. My tubes might become untied."

If she doesn't trust her doctor any more than that, she's STUPID. The answer? . . . Radio Shack. Velcro. $3.95.

11. "I'm not having sex until I'm married."

That's OK, if she wants her face to eventually end up on a set of playing cards. From PRUDE to PRUNE. Cool. (NOT).

10. "I've totally changed since I put my AD on Yahoo LAST WEEK."

It's easy to change a small mind.

9. "Kids are OK, as long as they're grown."

In other words, it's OK for you to put up with hers, but she doesn't want to put up with yours.

8. "I like to chew, spit, drive a truck, and watch 'rasslin."

Self Explanatory.

7. "It's not too far for YOU to drive to my house, but too far for ME to drive to yours."

She thinks she's important enough for you to wear your tires off the car, but she can't return the favor.

6. "I feel comfortable with you, and want to spend time with you."

How much time? Once or twice a year? A Prison Sentence?

5. "I brought my pager and cell phone with me."

As if she thinks that Brad Pitt will call any minute. Makes you wish he would.

Just a little advice to all the women that think they have to have their cell phone with them at all times: There is NOTHING that's more of a turn-off than to see a woman with a cell-phone glued to her ear wherever she is. What a turn-off. If you think it makes you look important, then you're the only one that thinks so. Any reputable hospital or surgeon has an operation that will remove the damn thing permanently from your ear.

4. "I can be totally serious about a relationship, when it's time for me to be.

Yeah, and I can be a billionaire, whenever I want to be.

3. "I've learned from past experience that I can't rush into things."

At this point, you have to realize that Mother Theresa was in more of a hurry to meet someone.

2. "I just realized that I still care about my EX."

Who? The one who beat you? The one who left you? The one that was unfaithful to you? Ex-WHAT? Ex-boyfriend? Ex-fiancee? Ex-husband? Ex-Lover? Ex-convict? Ex-Lax?

1. "Let's Just Be Friends."

Let's just swallow a couple of those cyanide tablets, while we're at it. Make them orange chewables.

Signs that She's Not in the Same League as You

1. She buys wine in bottles with a screw-on top. This means:
(a) She doesn't know how to buy wine
(b) She buys cheap wine
(c) She buys it by the gallon
(d) She's a cheap drunk
(e) She's just cheap. . .period.

2. She goes to the Fair and won't ride one ride with you, but spends $20.00
trying to win a 50 cent prize from a game booth. She's just as stupid
as the idiot trying to sucker her into it. Not quite the kind of woman
you'd want to take anywhere. I always thought that an I.Q. couldn't be a
negative number !!

3. She thinks Bill Clinton is good-looking, despite what he's done.

4. She buys anything from Home Shopping Network, or any TV program that has some
Australian guy selling it. What is it? The accent? The fact that he looks gay,
and therefore poses no threat to you? The fact that he could also give you great tips
on those pretty pastel colors to paint your room? Because of him, she buys. . .let's say. . .a
grille/WOK/skillet that runs on propane. It's worth about $19.99, and she makes 3 monthly
payments of $29.99/month from this clown. Maybe that's why she feels so much at home at the Fair (see #2).

5. She's convinced that driving a sports car makes her look younger. Baby, a dinosaur is a
dinosaur; with or without makeup. If you sit still too long, you'll start to fossilize.

6. She responds to every other remark with "Yeah, Right," or "Whatever." Might I suggest buying
Hooked on Phonics to help you with your vocabulary deficiency?

7. You look up the word BITCH in the dictionary, and there's her picture.

8. She can't communicate on Instant Messaging without adding LMAO, LOL, etc.

9. She was born with the crippling childhood disease known as Dumb-ass-a-tosis (click below).

10. She's so old, all her lifetime memberships have expired.

11. Before going on vacation, she has to check the load limit of the bridges, just to make sure they’ll handle her weight.

12. She took an I.Q. test, and the results turned up NEGATIVE.

3. Her favorite author is the man who wrote "Pull Tab To Open."

Guys: A word of warning: NEVER take your girlfriend or wife shopping with you to buy anything. You can have her swear under oath and sign a release in front of the United States Supreme Court that she will not interfere with you when you get ready to buy anything, but, for God's sake, leave her at home. If you have been saving up for years for a stereo, satellite dish, etc., and you take her with you when you buy it, she will nag you with every reason that SHE can find to keep you from finally realizing your dream and making your purchase. When you leave the store, she will not only have talked you out of buying the item for yourself, but you will be giving her all of the money to buy another pair of shoes to supplement the 485 pair that she already has. We wouldn't want her to have to wear the same pair twice, now would we?

Also...THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK !!! DON'T GET THINGS MIXED-UP !!! These are two examples of things you should NEVER say to your mate: "Ever since I met you, I've swept you off my feet," and "Hurry up and make up my mind."

Why is it that a man can take everything he needs in his wallet, but a woman has to take a purse the size of Delaware wherever she goes? She says that she needs it to take her makeup, etc. in order to impress men. You want to impress men? There are only two requirements: (1) Show Up Naked (2) Bring Beer

Really Great Reasons for Being a Woman or a Man.

Guys, If You Were a Cop, Would You Pull This Woman Over?

Valentine Poems

These are entries to a Washington Post competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line but the least romantic second line:

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head

I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.

Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face.

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot
This describes everything you are not.

I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face.

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
But I only slept with you, because I was pissed.

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you sure screwed up my life.

I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

My feelings for you no words can tell
Except for maybe "Go To Hell".

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime !