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Ron Collins' Autobiography Page
What the Hell
is this Crap ?? ABOUT METhe information on this page is presented in an air of
dry humor. With that in mind, please read the following Disclaimer: ATTENTION: To All Eligible Ladies (single, divorced, widowed, or just
plain hard-up): I AM INDEPENDENTLY WEALTHY. According to the last report from
my accountants, I have learned that my personal wealth is valued in the HUNDREDS
of DOLLARS !!! EDUCATIONIn May 1997, I completed my M.S.S. (Master of Social Science) Degree
from Mississippi College. My undergraduate
work was done at Hinds Community College and Mississippi College, where I received
an A.A. (Associate of Arts) and a B.S. (Bachelor of Science) Degree in
History and minor in English. While working over 40 hours each week, I was
able to graduate from both Hinds and Mississippi College with Honors and was
active at both schools in many functions, including the Student Senate
(Senator of the Week 1991 & 1992, Senator of the Year 1992), Phi Theta
Kappa (Vice-President), Pi Gamma Mu, Omicron Delta Kappa, Phi Alpha Theta
(President), Phi Alpha Delta (President). The Trustmark ATM Machine formerly
located in the B.C. Rogers Student Center was a result of my efforts as a
Senator for Mississippi College. While in the Senate at Hinds, I chaired the committee to rewrite the
Code of Conduct, Election Rules, and the Hinds Community College Student Body
Constitution. While at Mississippi College, I chaired the committee to
rewrite the Student Code and the Mississippi College Student Body
Constitution. I also served as Senate Representative to the Mississippi
College Board of Trustees, as Commuter Representative to the Mississippi
College Administration and also as Student Body Representative to the SACS
(Southern Accreditation of Schools and Colleges) Committee. Between my Bachelor of Science and my Master of Social Sciences
degrees, I attended 3 of the 6 required semesters at Mississippi College
School of Law and may return there one day. However, due to the amount of
time input required of law school (as well as finances), it may have to wait
forever. After all, family and church come first and MOST (not all, by any
means) lawyers, to put it in legal terminology, "lack the mental and
emotional capacity to consider people other than themselves worthy to succeed
in life." FAMILY AND CHURCHI have two sons, Cody and Sean, the greatest joys in the world. I
dedicate all of my WEB pages to them. My present computer is Dell XPS-R400
MHz Pentium II tower with 512kb cache, which has been upgraded to a Pentium III
1GHz with 768mb of 133MHz CL=2 Non-ECC Memory, with a Lexmark Z52 2400x1200 color printer, and a
Hewlett Packard IIIP LaserJet (black &
white) with 5mb of RAM and everything is controlled by Microsoft Windows XP and Microsoft Internet Explorer 6.0. Also
connected is an HP 4000 1200x1200 Laser printer with duplexer and 36Mb of memory.
Internet access is provided by Time Warner's
RoadRunner Cable Modem, downloading at up to 3.1Mbps. Also installed is a
72X Kenwood CD-ROM, 250mb Iomega Zip Drive, Buslink 40x12x48 CD-RW, ATI Radeon 4X AGP video card with 32mb of
on-board DDR memory (overclocked by 12%), U.S.
Robotics V.90 Sportster Voice/Fax/Modem, Turtle Beach Santa
Cruz 5.1 Channel Surround Sound (with DSP Audio Processor) card with Altec Lansing ACS495 Dolby Surround Sound
Speakers and Subwoofer, 45gb Maxtor Ultra
ATA-100 hard drive with a Maxtor/Promise
Ultra ATA-100 Controller, USB support, and a Viewsonic A90f+ 19" 1600x1200
monitor. Imaging is done via a Mustek
1200 UB USB scanner (with an adaptor for slides), a Wacom Pen Partner digital pad, a Microsoft Natural Pro USB keyboard, a Logitech USB Trackman Marble Wheel, a Logitech WingMan Extreme Digital 3D USB
joystick, and an Olympus C2500L digital
camera with 1712 x 1368 resolution and 72mb of flash memory. Power is
conditioned by a APC 700 VA Smart-UPS
power supply. A Kodak DVC323 USB WebCam
provides video-conferencing capabilities. All of the USB equipment (Kodak
Camera, Microsoft Keyboard, Mustek Scanner, Logitech joystick, PNY Dual Flash
Card Reader, Altec Lansing Speakers, and Lexmark Z52 printer) is connected
with a Belkin 7-port USB Hub.
In 1996, I completed a contractual agreement with Datastorm (makers of ProComm) as a beta
tester for Procomm 3.0 for Windows. I
am well-versed in WordPerfect for DOS and
Windows, Procomm, Windows '95, DOS, Q&A, Norton, Quicken,
WordPerfect Internet Publisher and HTML, and have limited experience with AutoCAD and
Lotus. I also completed the Novell Netware 4.1 Administrator's class
and am interested in becoming MCSE certified. I also "dabble" in
the best thing for the WEB since the WEB -- Java
language from Sun technologies. I am a
full-time computer technician at Pomeroy IT
Solutions. I am CompTIA A+
Certified, as well.
CLICK HERE for my other certifications.My boys and I are members of Richland United Methodist Church. (Click Here for the United Methodist Home Page).
I have been a member of the Board of Trustees, one of three positions that I
formerly served in at our previous church. Cody is active in all of the
children activities, and I'm sure Sean will be too. HOBBIES
Other than spending time with my boys, computer, and work, my favorite
current hobby is EVERYTHING. I collect old records and movies (there are few
popular 50s - 80s songs that I don't have). I love horror and comedy movies,
as well as action/adventure. I love to write, and my latest project, Capitol
Murder: Tempers and Temperance -- Truth and Consequences has been
accepted for publication in the Journal of Mississippi History. In my
small amount of spare time, I dream of once again owning my first car, a 1972
Plymouth 'Cuda 340 4bbl, 4 speed
bullet. One of my favorite things to do happens on the way to and from school
or work. When the weather's fine, I ride one of the fastest motorcycles ever
produced -- a 1985 Honda Magna V65
(1100cc). It is water-cooled and has a 115+ horsepower engine, shaft
drive, slotted triple disc brakes, 2 double-overhead cams, anti-dive front
suspension with air-assist, and hydraulic everything. According to Cycle
World magazine, when it was introduced, it would accelerate from 0-60 in
2.6 seconds. Take that, Porsche & Ferrari. But, all in all, riding the
Magna is boring -- no one messes with you! My former bike was a collector's item -- a 1975 Kawasaki H-2 Triple
Cylinder Two-Stroke. Talk about reaffirming your religious faith! It's a
customized 90+ horsepower, 750 cc, three-cylinder chain saw with wheels! If
there was ever a motorcycle that needed a dose of Prozac, this is it. Aside from the motorcycles, I play drums, trumpet and keyboard. I play
by ear or by reading music, but it's a lot more fun playing by ear. I played
drums professionally for several years with local bands throughout the state
and in Louisiana and have played as the opening act or in the backup band for
country stars such as Dottie West, Dickie Lee, Jim Ed Brown, David Frizzell,
and Kenny Price. Even so, I am not that fond of COUNTRY MUSIC, except for a
few artists (Alabama, Garth Brooks, and Beverly
Ellis). I have played with many local rock & roll bands, only to
leave when they seemed to think that drug usage was a
"requirement." Even though the country music bands I played in
appeared at many places where non-MC drinks were served and where there was
DANCING instead of "socials," I'd rather play there than in some
place where drugs were used. By the way, my set is Ludwig, although Pearl is
my set of choice. Avedis Zildjian cymbals (actual hand-hammered, not
machine-stamped) are always the cymbal of choice as are Evans hydraulic heads
and Ghost foot pedals. CLICK HERE for a photo of my
latest band, BORDERLINE. I'm second from left.
My keyboard talent (somewhat limited) comes from a music scholarship in
Jr. College, where I "majored" in keyboards. Although a wonderful
instrument -- whether piano or organ (there are 2 types or organs -- Hammond
and the "other ones") -- a lifelong drummer is apt to find
keyboards extremely boring. The same goes for the trumpet. Any of the aforementioned music or recordings are reproduced with
precision by magnetic field technology provided by a Carver M1.5t amplifier in 600 watt per
channel (peak) doses and routed to and from a Vantas DPA S50 Surround Sound
Processor, Carver TX-11 tuner, Pioneer CTF-1000 cassette deck, Sony 735 CD player, Pioneer PL-560 turntable,
and through 10 gauge Esoteric Audio cables to a pair of Pioneer HPM 100
speakers for the front, Optimus Pro
X77 rear speakers, Polk CS 400 Center
Channel Speaker, Klipsch KSW-15 (800
watt) powered subwoofer. All stereo equipment is connected to a Pioneer
40" stereo television which is fed doses of digital signals by a Sony DVP-S550D DVD Player, and is guaranteed
to keep the neighbors awake. When I'm not listening to prerecorded music, I'm
tuned to Z106, Mississippi's Home of Rock
& Roll.
ADDITIONALIn addition to the aforementioned hobbies (and when there's time for
television), some of my favorite shows are/were: Beavis & Butthead,
Friends, Unhappily Ever After, Seinfeld, The Drew Carey
Show, and the greatest show of all -- Married With Children. My Rolex Submariner assures that I'm never late
for any of these programs.
As far as movies are concerned, some of my favorites
are: To Kill A Mockingbird, Witness For the Prosecution, Stand
By Me, any of the Indiana Jones movies, Porky's, good (let me
emphasize good) horror movies, Independence Day, Twister,
the Jurassic Park movies, and lots more.
Click on my
Rolex For the EXACT Time !!
I also collect antique soft drink bottles, and pre-1980 comic books. I do not like commonplace
things. For instance, if I hunted, I would not use a 30.06 (rednecks
pronounce this "thirty-ought-six") rifle. I would have to be
different and use a 7mm Magnum. I like to study disasters, such as the
sinking of the Titanic, the wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald , or Also,
Click Here), the explosion of Vesuvius
that buried the city of Pompeii, the mystery of the Bermuda Triangle, or the
gigantic explosion of Krakatoa
off the coast of Java. Other interests are the ancient tombs of Qin
Shi Huang Ti, the First Emperor of China, the Titanic, Atlantis, the
prophecies of Nostradamus, and
the Biltmore House, the largest house
in America, at Ashville, North Carolina. I'm also an Astro
Boy fan. Remember him?
Although I'm not a sports fan, per se, I do occasionally like to watch
football and baseball. With that in mind, these are my two favorite teams.
MY SPECIFIC DISLIKES ARE:
1. RELIGIOUS DENOMINATIONS and institutions that think they're the ONLY
denomination or institution. For instance, when my first home page was
located at a certain college, it contained a link to the Book of Mormon. I
was asked by a self-appointed (and publicly anointed) hypocrite of that
college to remove the reference to the Book of Mormon from my home page. I
guess this person thinks that every place Jesus ever visited is listed in the
Bible, which excludes Him from coming into our homes and churches -- and
certainly that very college. I won't say what denomination this institution
is. By the way, the United States wasn't listed in the Bible, either. Here's
a special treat for them !!!
2. PEOPLE who call themselves Christian, but are afraid to
surround themselves with the "evils of the world." A true Christian
should be a person that can walk amongst those evils, yet not be swayed into
becoming like them. A true Christian SHOULD NOT be someone that automatically
puts down another's religion without being willing to understand that ANY
religion is better than none. 3. VANITY LICENSE PLATES. Very seldom do you see someone driving a
car with a license plate that says "MYZ28" and say "I wonder
who owns that car?" If someone steals the car, are they supposed to have
plates installed that read, "NOTMYZ28?" And, are we supposed to
really care? Why do people buy a vehicle -- let's use a Chevrolet Blazer for
example -- that has "Chevrolet" and "Blazer" nameplates
on the vehicle in 2 or 3 different places and pay $100.00 for a vanity tag
that says, guess what? "BLAZER."!!! Why do people install their
license plates with a license plate holder or frame made out of a chain? Do
they really think it looks good (or keeps someone from stealing their license
plate)? At least I understand part of the logic; here in Mississippi, the
license plates average $200 to $250 a year for the average car. I guess if
you pay that much, why not try to protect it with a chain? If I was stupid
enough to have one, I guess mine would say "BITEME." 4. a. PEOPLE that think that just because they hold a position or
degree in a subject, any person not holding that degree is incapable of
understanding anything about that subject OR they think that you are supposed
to understand everything about anything. I personally think that although a
person has earned the title of "Doctor" from a school, he/she also
has to earn the respect of the students by treating them with the respect
that they -- the "customer" -- deserve. It's also a shame (or,
better yet, sham) when they use their position to settle a personal
vendetta when they haven't got the guts to address that person face-to-face. b. While we're on titles, why do many people, especially in the world
of computer administration, think that a title confers some type of power
over others? It's just that some people know what responsibility a title
brings, while many haven't got a clue -- especially those that hold the title
of "Assistant." Often a person can be described by that title. Want
proof? Take the first three letters of a title: i.e. MANager or PROfessor.
See what I mean? Now try ASSistant. What about ASSistant PROfessor? Sort of
redundant, don't you think? In the title ASSistant PROfessor, the first three
letters of each word cancel each other out. What are you left with?
Absolutely NOTHING. Amoeba have more prestige. I do want to state that
everyone doesn't fit this category. I know some that do. You know who you
are. Or do you have enough sense to know? 5. CAR COMMERCIALS. a. Would you want to buy a car from someone that yells at you or uses
an intimidatingly LOW Darth Vader voice to try to get you to buy a car? Don't
they know that Darth Vader doesn't need a car? b. And our local car dealers in Jackson, Mississippi, that pronounce
the name of Jackson as "Jack-Sawn," trying to imitate a
pseudo-cajun. UPDATE !! Now the same idiot that pronounces Jackson as
"Jack-Sawn," is doing commercials for a car dealer in Brookhaven,
and calling it "Brook-hav-on." Poor Guy. Hooked-On-Phonics would
really help him a lot. c. What about those that advertise "the biggest sale in
history?" Don't they realize that if every sale was the "biggest in
history," before long, cars wouldn't cost anything? d. What about those that announce they'll "do anything it takes"
or they'll "make you a deal you can't refuse?" A deal I can't
refuse is called FREE. e. What about the dealers that announce that they have to have a
sale because they're overstocked? Sounds as if they need a different
purchaser. Fire the person that does the ordering; that would solve the
"overstocked" problem. f. Mississippi car dealers should not have a license to sell cars if
they can't pronounce the name of the state. It's Mis-sis-sip-pi, not
"Miss Hippy." You might be a redneck if . . . . g. What about those car dealers that advertise that "no credit
application will be refused?" Sure no credit APPLICATION will be
refused. They'll take it and store in FILE 13. I won't refuse your credit
APPLICATION, either, if you want to send one to me. I will refuse your
CREDIT, though. h. Here's one. . .There's a car commercial that has some rough-voiced
guy singing "I WANT A CAR; A CAR I CAN DRIVE !!!" Let's examine
this little tidbit of profundity. H-m-m-m, just what in the hell do you buy a
car for anyway ??? Have you ever heard anyone really say, "I want a car;
a car I can PUSH ???!!!" How stupid. I'll bet he can't pronounce
Mississippi, either. I think the guys that write these commercials graduated
from the Jethro Bodine School for Idiots . i. Here's another that I heard recently: "The 2001 models are on
the way, but there are plenty of 2000 models left, and we must get rid of
them to make room for the 2001s. We're letting the 2000 models go at
rock-bottom prices." Well, MORONS, if you'd been selling the 2000 models
at "rock-bottom" prices all year, you would have room for the
2001s. j. Finally, who cares that, if after a car sale at a remote location
they announce, "We're Back On The Lot?" Where else did you think
they'd go? On the roof? I have a few suggestions as to where they can go, but
I won't mention them here. 6. If it is a First Amendment violation for Government to
interfere with Religion (eg: no prayers in public schools), why isn't it a
First Amendment violation for Religious institutions to interfere with
Government (eg: churches "campaign" against what they think is
"best" for society)? 7. Anyone that makes plans at your expense and doesn't bother to
show up. Most don't even call to let you know what happened. Included are
those that depend on people like you and me for an income, yet never bother
to respond when there is a problem, or return your call long after they know
the problem has "gone away." They say they were busy, but we know
that they were stalling because they didn't have a clue as how to solve the
problem to start with. 8. Schools and colleges that refuse any earnest offer for
assistance on projects while you're a student because they think they know it
all (evidently, they're the only ones that share this opinion), but don't
hesitate to ask you for money after you graduate. Do they actually think
they'll get money from us then when they were so self-righteous as to refuse
our offers when we really could afford to help? And do they actually think
that after they've milked us dry from tuition costs, that we're going to run
down to the bank and withdraw some more money to give to them? NOT !!! 9. Persons and denominations that refuse to let their children
celebrate Halloween because they think it is a day of evil. Ignorance is
Bliss. Christmas is a pagan holiday the same as Halloween. The last day of
October is recognized as a day that people put on masks to frighten away --
not conjure evil spirits in preparation for the ACTUAL holiday celebrated on
November 1st: All Saint's Day (aka. The Day of the Dead; not to be confused
with the living dead (vampires, zombies, ghouls, ghosts, apparitions,
witches, or the IRS)). Of course, evil can be committed on Halloween just as
it can be committed on Christmas, New Year's Day, or your mother's birthday.
For more information about Halloween, follow these links: LINK 1 LINK 2 LINK 3
(not the horror movies). To stop a child from engaging in the age old tradition of Trick or
Treat is ridiculous. Any person with the slightest amount of education knows
that the very people that attempt to ban Halloween, attempt it on a day named
after a deity in a month named after a deity and probably while wearing shoes
named after a deity. For example: Sunday is dies solis (day of the
sun), the first day of the week, day of our Lord; Monday is lunae dies
(moon's day); Tuesday is martis dies (Tiu's or Tyr's day -- Tyr was
the Norse God of War); Wednedsay is wednes dei (Woden's day -- Woden
(Odin) was the chief Norse god); Thursday is jovis dei (Thor's day --
Thor was the Norse God of Thunder); Friday is fridai (Freya's day --
Freya was the Norse Goddess of Love and Beauty -- so it's OK for a Halloween
hater to ban Trick or Treat, as long as he or she still gets their paycheck
on a day named after a Norse goddess (or a day bearing the same name as a
fictional Robinson Crusoe character)); Saturday is saturni dies
(Saturn's day -- probably was also a day people sat around trying to
find reasons to ban Halloween). The months are no different. January was named after Janus, the Roman
guardian or portals and patrons; February was named after the Roman festival
of purification; March was named after the Roman God of War; April was the
second month in the ancient Roman calendar; May was named after the Goddess
of Increase; June was named after Juno the Roman Queen of the Gods and
Goddess of Marriage; July was the month of Julius Caesar; August was probably
named after Augustus Caesar; September was named after septem (seven)
and was the seventh month of the ancient Roman calendar; October was named
after octo (eight) and was the eighth month of the ancient Roman
calendar; November was named after novem (nine) and was the ninth
month of the ancient Roman calendar; and December was named after decem
(ten) and was the tenth month of the ancient Roman calendar. What about the shoes you're wearing? If they're Nike, they're named
after Nike, the Goddess of Victory. Now don't you feel silly? If we, as a civilized nation, do attempt to ban Halloween, maybe we
need to revive the witch trials, as well. I can see the sign now: "Witch
Burning Tomorrow -- Bring Your Own Marshmallows." Come on people, if you
want to see what really is so scary, look in the mirror! The only real masks
worn on Halloween are the masks of ignorance you hide behind. 10. Nicknames. Listen Folks !!! THERE IS NO SUCH PLACE AS
"MICKY D'S !!! There is "McDuhs" (McDonalds), but I have yet
to see a sign with "Micky D's" on it. I guess that name came from
the same folks that named their child "Billy Joe Jim Bob" or
"# 1, # 2, etc." You get the picture. Bob is not the same as
Robert; Dick is not the same as Richard; Bill is not the same as William;
Jack is not the same as John; Jim is not the same as James. Also, there is no
"Bubba" or Jr." Those are designations. Where did all these extra
names come from anyway? I can at least understand Rob for Robert or Rich for
Richard or Will for William. 11. People who walk in through the out door and out through the in
door. Why? Also, people that don't know that you're supposed to walk on the
right side of a hallway or stairs. I guess they're the people that are used
to walking down a roadway after their car has broken down (walk on the side
FACING traffic). 12. People who don't know how to drive -- a.k.a. EVERYONE ! Here's
some examples: a. Don't you just hate it when some idiot has stopped in the middle of
the road and is just sitting there waiting to turn, but has no signal on?
Which way is he/she going? Do they know? b. What about the ones that purposefully pull their vehicle partly out
into the road, thinking that someone (namely you, the person with the right
of way), is going to stop to let them meander themselves onto the roadway. c. What's the deal with vehicles that have their back seats removed and
replaced with woofers bigger than those found in homes? The stereo system
output is several hundred, if not thousand, watts of nothing but loud thumps
as they try to outdo each other in volume, only to win the race to see which
one is the first to place an order for Miracle Ear. There is NO treble
to these systems, and these people mistakenly think that it sounds good. But
remember, they can't hear anyway. . .being deaf, they have to
"FEEL" the sound. And what makes them think that, just because they
are deaf, that I want to be too? d. 1. Also, consider those that sit in the right-hand lane at a stop
light preparing to turn right and, even though no cars are coming, they won't
turn. Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't it the general rule in ALL STATES
that, unless there is a sign specifically warning you that no right turns are
allowed, it is OK to turn right after stopping if no cars are coming? d. 2. In exact contradiction -- There's NO SUCH THING AS "TURN
LEFT ON RED." The same people that won't turn right on red after
stopping, will turn left on red, when no law I've ever heard of allows for
left turns on red. d. 3. What about the ones that turn at a 4-way intersection of 2 lane
roads and, instead of turning into the lane closest to them, they pull all
the way across into the far lane? The same goes for the ones pulling out onto
a roadway. Instead of pulling into the closest lane, they pull into the
left-hand-lane (the fast lane) and then drive about 14 m.p.h., causing the
vehicles with the right-of-way to have to switch lanes to avoid colliding
with them. e. What's the deal with windows so dark that no one can see in? It's OK
to have some form of protection from the glare of the sun, but, if I were a
policeman, I would be very suspicious of any vehicle with windows so dark
that it appeared to be driving itself. f. Another thing. Consider the evolution of the vehicle idiots. Now the
craze is to have tires and wheels sticking so far out from under the vehicle
that you have to take up two parking spaces. In most states, it's illegal to
have tires extending outside the fenderwells unless fenderwell extensions
have been added. Besides, do these rocket scientists have any idea how
they've screwed-up the chassis geometry, the handling, and the looks of these
monstrosities by extending the wheels this way? At least it's good for comedy
relief. Don't think that most policemen will enforce this part of the law,
though, because most of these vehicles are never seen at do-nut shops! g. ANYONE that puts ANYTHING fake on a vehicle. Why would anyone want
to put a fake cellular antenna on a vehicle? For prestige? To announce to the
world that they're stupid? Probably the latter. What about those that put,
not one, but two fake cellular antennas on their vehicle? They're saying
"I'm Stupid" and "Break into my car for nothing" all at
the same time. Even if the dual antennas were real, the wavelength
cancellation would render them ineffective. h. Why do people drive when it's almost totally dark with only the
parking lamps on? Guess what? Headlamps or driving lights are for driving,
PARKING LAMPS are for sitting still, hence the name parking. Why can't people
figure this out? Also, why do they insist on driving in blinding rain without
their driving lights on? Is it because there are no switches marked
"raining lights?" i. Why does a driver go 35 m.p.h. in the fast lane of the Interstate
when the weather's dry and 80 degrees, and then drive 70 on local streets
when it's raining and/or freezing? This is especially true in trucks with no
weight in the back. This is an accident waiting to happen. For an easier
solution to the death wish, why don't they move to a third world country (or
run for president)? j. Don't you get tired of driving along on the interstate and having
someone attempt to pass you, only to have them ride along beside you for
several miles because their car's set on "cruise" and it's set to
about 1/10 m.p.h. faster than you're going? What about the ones that come up
behind you at about 90 m.p.h. on the interstate and then ride your bumper for
miles instead of passing, although they have a clear lane in which to do so? k. What about the ones that STOP ON THE INTERSTATE every morning just
to let those that are coming onto the interstate do so? In Mississippi, it is
supposed to be illegal to stop on the interstate unless it is an
emergency. These people creat huge traffic jams and the potential for
accidents through their "common courtesy." It's the people that
have the right of way (i.e. the people behind them) that they owe the common
courtesy to. The same goes for people that create huge traffic jams because
they want to look at someone changing their tire on the side of the road. l. One of the most ridiculous signs found while driving is the sign on
the back of a fire truck or an ambulance that says "STAY BACK 500
FEET." It's so small that you can't read it until you are less than 50
feet away. What are you supposed to do then? Back up? See "k."
above. m. Why do drivers have to block an intersection just because they want
to be able to go when the light ahead turns green? Their car is stuck out in
the middle of the intersection, effectively blocking any perpendicular
traffic from being able to go. n. Why do some morons "drive sidesaddle" in their cars? That
is, they drive seated in the middle of the front seat, as if they can't reach
the radio. o. Also, some drivers drive the car with the front seat so far back
that they can barely reach the steering wheel. Did you ever wonder if their
knuckles drag the ground when they walk? 13. This is a multi-part question (for you rednecks, this means
that it has more than one part). a. Why would anyone pay anyone else 35 million dollars? b. Why would anyone pay anyone 35 million dollars to play football? c. Why would anyone that is paid 35 million dollars to play football
wear a rag on their head and dance around as if they had a bad case of
hemorrhoids or as if they overdosed on Ex-Lax? d. Why would anyone pay exorbitant prices for tickets to see anyone that
is paid 35 million dollars play football? e. Why would anyone ever wonder why a lot of football players can't
spell F-O-O-T-B-A-L-L ? For more info, or a possible answer, look at the test
that should be required of all college (and let's not leave out Professional)
football players. Click
Here for the Test. f. Why would anyone that is paid 35 million dollars (or 35 dollars)
give a rodent's rectum (rat's ass) whether I like them or not? g. Is your Sports Team named after an ANIMAL? Now really, how many
times have you seen the actual animal -- Colt, Bronco, Dolphin, Falcon,
Bengal, Bull, Seahawk, or whatever -- play a ball game? NEVER? No Joke. If
you're going to be for a team, albeit a losing one, at least let it be one
that is named after something to do with humans (Raiders, Vikings, Cowboys,
49ers, etc). h. Also, what about ALL sports titles of "WORLD CHAMPION."
Boxing, football, baseball, hockey, basketball (no, wrestling is NOT a sport),
etc., all claim to have "WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP TEAMS." In theory, to
be a world champion boxer, you have to fight EVERYONE in the world. Period.
There are probably thousands of people out there that can totally destroy the
so-called "world champions," but choose not to pursue that
direction (mmmm, could it be that they have -- BRAINS?). 14. Why do people walk into a business and ask where the bathroom
or restroom is? Why don't they simply ask for the location of the toilet. It
would be a very rare occasion indeed to walk into a toilet and catch someone
actually bathing (in a BATHROOM . . .unless they were small enough to fit
into the commode). Also, how many people actually rest (in a RESTROOM). I've
never seen one, so this automatically gives me an idea for a reclining
commode (leather, stereo speakers in the headrest, footrest, electric toilet
tissue replacer (I won't go into depth (no pun intended) with that one), back
massager, and auto flush. Patent Pending. What would be the bathroom music
playing? WIPEOUT? 15. What's happened to ELVIS ??? El Nino, that's what. They've blamed
El Nino for everything else, why not for the death of Elvis? Can you believe
that they've actually named the weather? Maybe that's what has kept me from
becoming a millionaire. El Nino. How stupid !!! 16. What about someone that "hails" from somewhere? Nobody
"hails" from anywhere. I know it's a form of speech (particularly
redneck in origin), but what's wrong with "He LIVES in New York,
Alabama, etc.?" 17. Why do we call dead people late? Consider the preacher at a
funeral, when he says, "Let us pay our respects to the LATE Mr. Brown.
He was a young man, but was cut down in the prime of his life." If he
died sooner than normal, doesn't that make him EARLY, instead of LATE ???
Saying that he's late is almost as if you're implying that he SHOULD have
died sooner, but was LATE. 18. Would you really eat at a restaurant that advertises its food as
"mouth-watering?" That's disgusting. 19. What about certain cartoons? Have you ever wished that Scooby Doo
would DIE ??? This is one of the most irritating cartoons that ever came on
TV. Why couldn't they have an intelligent dog, such as Mr. Peabody; not some
idiot hound that can't even pronounce his own name (rooby rooby roo)? Here's
hoping that Scooby Doo will fall out of the back of that
disgustingly-decorated van and be crushed under the wheels of some
eighteen-wheeler overloaded with Scooby Snacks. Scooby Doo first appeared in
the mid-60s, which makes him 210+ years old. It's about time he dies, anyway.
But, n-o-o-o, CARTOON NETWORK resurrects the flea-bitten son-of-a-bitch, and
shows the episodes about 10 times a day. Where's Jack Kevorkian when you need
him? Whenever you turn on the Cartoon Network, this mangy dog is on. Why
don't they show Popeye instead? At least he had a woman worth lookin at. All
Olive Oyl would have to do is have a body transplant, preferably from Kathy
Ireland. Then there's Rocky and Bullwinkle, but we won't go into that, other
than to mention that Rocky is long overdue as a roadkill candidate. Maybe,
given enough time, Scooby Doo, Rocky, and Bullwinkle will become victims of El
Nino. DISCLAIMER: The aforementioned cartoons do not indicate the author's intentions to harm any living dog, squirrel, or moose. So, PETA, I don't need to hear any crap about harming animals -- especially cartoons.20. What about so-called "World Champions?" Let's be
realistic, people. In actuality, to be a WORLD CHAMPION, you have to compete
against EVERY PERSON IN THE WORLD. If you're a boxer, there's no legitimate
way to claim that you're the champion of the world until you've fought every
person in the world (and not bitten off their ear, or any other appendage).
There are people in the world that choose to compete in sports and those that
choose not to. A world champion boxer, or skater, or whatever, is the world
champion over those in sports, not over everyone. Then, there's something
these "World Champions" might want to try. . .it's called
EDUCATION. By the way, who made the Dallas Cowboys "AMERICA'S
Team?" I'll be willing to bet that it wasn't AMERICA !!! 21. Also, there are certain words that simply don't make sense. Take
"retire," for example. Why would you spend 50 years working until
you're so tired you can't see straight, only to want to be RE-TIRED. I think
that being tired once, is enough. 22. Now for my 2-Step plan for India's rememberance in the nuclear arms
race: (1) Remove all children from the country and (2) Detonate the next bomb
ABOVE ground. I'm sure they will be well remembered. 23. In one episode of The Beverly Hillbillies, Jed and Jethro
stuck some matches in the stone wall several hundred feet away and shot them
with their rifles, causing them to light. They shot them again and put them
out. If Jed was such a good shot, why did he miss the rabbit in the first
episode, and hit the ground, making the oil bubble to the top? 24. Speaking of Hillbillies, I despise Bill Clinton. PERIOD. Maybe he
should be called an ASSISTANT PRESIDENT (see 4(b) above for more on
ASSISTANTS). I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of
America, and to the REPUBLICANS for which it stands, one Nation, under GOD
(not the Supreme Court), with Liberty and Justice for ALL. 25. Have you ever noticed that the "World's Top Hair
Designers" have about the crappiest-looking hair you've ever seen? 26. * OR * The "World's Greatest Clothes Designers" wear
designs that the Salvation Army wouldn't take off your hands? 27. Would you REALLY buy a book by Monica Lewinsky? What should it be
called? "Close, But No Cigar?" 28. Has the Y2K problem affected you? I'm really mad, since I
discovered that my bathroom isn't Y2K compliant. At the turn of the Century,
my 2000 Flushes won't work past 1900 !!! 29. Would you really want to leave anything in your toilet that takes
2000 flushes to clean? 30. If a person can't read, how will they be able to call Hooked-On-Phonics
at 1-800-ABC-DEFG ? 31. Why is it that, when you're watching TV, you see a commercial for a
phone company. When you call the phone company, you're put on hold, only to
hear the radio, and when you hear the radio, to hear a commercial for a TV
program? 32. Why are there so many advertisements for the Yellow Pages in
the YELLOW PAGES ? 33. Why do the names of so many mattress manufacturers start with the
letter "S"? Simmons, Serta, Sealey, Spring Air. . .Because someone
else is getting all the Z-z-z-z-z-z-z's? 34. Why won't the kids let the Trix Rabbit have any cereal? This has
been going on for way too long. Maybe the rabbit should contact PETA for
help. The lesson here? Kids, be sure to be stingy with things. Don't share,
no matter what. Remember the song by Crosby Stills & Nash called
"Teach Your Children Well?" These kids' parents will let them grow
up to be rednecks, and then they'll just get a gun, go hunting, and shoot the
rabbit anyway. 35. . . .And then there's the Mighty Moron, er, Morphin Power Rangers.
The moral is supposed to be "teamwork will defeat any problem."
It's more like "let's all gang up on one." These untalented kids
can't whip cream without having to band together. . . .And those helments
they wear. . .They have a "mouth" on the helment that never moves.
Leave the "mouth" off the helment, or make it work. They need to
see a doctor for another reason. Did you ever see them run? They run
sideways. Inner ear problems? Very likely. Maybe when you don't move your
mouth for long enough, it affects your balance? 36. What about the latest cult -- "The Movement for the
Restoration of the Ten Commandments of God" ?? What part of "Thou
Shalt Not Kill" did they not understand ?? 37. Guys...are you so redneck, or just so stupid, that you don't know
to take off your cap when you're indoors? It was designed to keep the
sun/rain off your head. If it's sunshining or raining inside, leave it on;
otherwise be decent enough to remove it, or just stay home. Remove it, as
well, during the singing of the National Anthem, and during a prayer. 38. Speaking of caps...what is fair about male graduates having to
remove their caps (mortars) at graduation, but the women are allowed to keep
theirs on? Talk about reverse discrimination !! Whether male or female, the
mortar should be removed during a prayer, or if you're inside. 39. Women....before you install a "vanity plate" on your car
that says something like "FXY LADY," you need to be sure that (1)
You are foxy (having 2 teeth, oily hair, and weighing 300 lbs. doesn't
qualify as "Foxy") and (2) that you're a lady (meaning a female
with some other mentality than a woman wrestler). 40. Why do "little old ladies" that weigh 80 lbs. drive a
huge Lincoln Town Car, and women that are 6' tall and 300 lbs. try to cram
their giant butt into a Chevette? Check the door sill on your car before you
buy it to determine if the gross vehicle weight and your gross ass weight are
identical. Hint: If you're so big that trucker weigh stations motion you to
keep going because their scales won't handle that much capacity, then you
might be too big. 41. Why do we spend millions and millions of dollars on the "NEW
DOUBLE-DIGITAL DOPPLER RADAR" to warn us of upcoming bad weather, but
yet, we have to rely on a rodent every February 2, to determine if we're
going to have 6 more weeks of Winter? I believe in the shadow, though....the
shadow of our stomach hanging over our belt on February 4, from the Groundhog
Stew we ate on February 3. 42. Advertisers often announce, "our product has been proven to be
over 47% more effective than the leading brand." If it's so effective,
why isn't IT the leading brand? 43. There is a DUI Attorney in the Jackson, MS area that explains in
his commercials about the "Field Sobriety Test" given by police
whenever you're stopped for suspicion of driving while intoxicated. He states
that the Field Sobriety Test is mandantory, and that in all the years his
Firm has been in business, "no test has ever been passed to the
officer's satisfaction." Well...DUH ! If the tests HAD been passed to
the officer's satisfaction, they wouldn't need a DUI Attorney, now would
they? 44. Why is it that, if a guy walks into a bar without a shirt, he'll be
thrown out, but if a girl walks into a bar without a shirt, she'll get free
drinks? 45. Why do we have 10,000,000 Laws just to enforce the 10 Commandments?
46. Plural means MORE THAN ONE !! That means that you can drive 1 MILE
into town, or 1.1 MILES. The next town is not 5 MILE from here, it is 5
MILES. However, Vaiden, Mississippi is at MILE marker 174 on I-55, not MILES
marker 174. Rednecks don't seem to understand the application of singular vs.
plural. I guess the first-grade-dropouts just don't get it. Have You Ever Wondered. . . .?CLICK ABOVE
Disclaimer: THE VIEWS EXPRESSED IN THE ABOVE ARE MY PERSONAL VIEWS
ONLY. They are not meant to harm anyone in any way. I totally believe in the
U.S. Constitution and the First Amendment's guarantees of freedom of speech.
I also believe that any kind of censorship of ADULT materials from ADULTS is
unconstitutional. In the same sense, I do not believe in child pornography or
any kind of dissemination of materials of this nature to minors (or
pedophiles). That is why we have (or are supposed to have) passwords
and parental (yes, this includes schools too) discipline. For a religious
organization, faction, or college to tell any ADULT student what he or she
can't look at is the biggest form of hypocracy. That's the stuff lawsuits are
made of ! What should really make these groups mad is the fact that, if I
choose, I WILL LOOK AT, ACCESS, or DOWNLOAD anything I want to and there's
absolutely nothing they can do about it. Grow up and refuse to be controlled
by your job titles and social mores when it comes to the rights afforded by
the Constitution. There are also two things to remember when reading any of the above: (1)
If you believe any of the above "dislikes" -- especially if you let
it bother you -- you really ARE that stupid and (2) If you don't like them,
do you really think I give a crap? I hope you've enjoyed my version of the "EXPERIENCE IN
VANITY" as found at many sites. It just goes to prove that, when Carly
Simon sang "You're So Vain," she was writing that song about me. "Oh
Lord, it's hard to be humble, when you're PERFECT in every way." Mac
Davis Believe that?
No? Well, at least I feel better !
Stay Tuned for
my Latest Book Entitled: When Life Sucked the Big One, I Was There
Copyright © by Ron Collins. 2007. |
