Ron Collins' Autobiography Page
What the Hell is this Crap ??
The information on this page is presented in an air of
dry humor. With that in mind, please read the following Disclaimer:
Find out more about me by clicking on any of the links below:
ATTENTION: To All Eligible Ladies (single, divorced, widowed, or just plain hard-up): I AM INDEPENDENTLY WEALTHY. According to the last report from my accountants, I have learned that my personal wealth is valued in the HUNDREDS of DOLLARS !!!
In May 1997, I completed my M.S.S. (Master of Social Science) Degree
from Mississippi College. My undergraduate work
was done at
While in the Senate at Hinds, I chaired the committee to rewrite the
Code of Conduct, Election Rules, and the
Between my Bachelor of Science and my Master of Social Sciences
degrees, I attended 3 of the 6 required semesters at
FAMILY AND CHURCH
I have two sons, Cody and Sean, the greatest joys in the world. I dedicate all of my WEB pages to them.
My present computer is HP Pavilion Elite e9280t Core i7 3.07 GHz tower with 12 gb of DDR3 Memory, with a Hewlett Packard P2055dn laserJet (black & white) with duplexer and 384mb of RAM and everything is controlled by Microsoft Windows 7 Ultimate (64 bit) and Microsoft Internet Explorer 8.0. Internet access is provided by Comcast Motorola Cable Modem downloading at 6+Mbps. Also installed is a Blu-Ray/DVD/CD reader/writer with Light-Scribe, ATI Radeon 4850 PCI Express video card with 1gb of on-board memory, Creative X-fi Titanium 7.1 Channel Surround Sound (with DSP Audio Processor) card with Altec Lansing ACS495 Dolby Surround Sound Speakers and Subwoofer, 1.5tb SATA-3 HP 27” 1080p HDMI wide-screen monitor. Imaging is done via a HP ScanJet G4050 USB scanner (with an adaptor for slides), a Wacom Pen Partner digital pad, a Microsoft USB narutal keyboard, a Logitech TrackMan Marbletrackball, a Logitech WingMan Extreme Digital 3D USB joystick, and an Olympus EVolt E-510 10mp digital camera with 18gb of flash memory. Power is conditioned by a APC XS 1500VA Smart-UPS power supply. A HP elite auto-focusing WebCam provides video-conferencing capabilities. All of this is connected to my other computers via a Netgear 108Mbps WGT624 wireless router and backup is provided by a 250gb Seagate FreeAgent external USB drive and Norton Ghost 15.0. My second Desktop is an HP d530 with 4gb of memory. 2.66 Ghz Pentium 4 processor, 400Gb hard drive, and Lite-On 18x DVD/CD reader/writer running on Microsoft Windows XP Professional (32 bit). My Laptop is a HP dv7-3079wm with a 2.4 Ghz AMD Turion Ultra Dual-Core Mobile M600 Processor, 17.3” 1080p widescreen display, 4Gb of memory, Altec-Lansing SRS Premium Sound w/subwoofer, 640Gb SATA Hard drive, and an ATI Mobility Radeon HD 4650 (M96) video controller with 1Gb of memory.
In 1996, I completed a contractual agreement with Datastorm (makers of ProComm) as
a beta tester for Procomm 3.0 for Windows.
I am well-versed in WordPerfect for DOS and Windows, Procomm, Windows '95, DOS, Windows NT, Windows 3.1 and
Windows 3.11, Windows 98, Windows 2000, Windows XP, Windows ME, and Windows 7,
Q&A, Norton, Quicken, WordPerfect Internet Publisher and HTML, Microsoft
Office 2003, 2007 and 2010 Beta, and have limited experience with AutoCAD and Lotus. I also completed the Novell Netware
4.1 Administrator's class and am interested in becoming MCSE certified. I
also "dabble" in the best thing for the WEB since the WEB -- Java language from Sun technologies.
I was previously a full-time computer technician at Pomeroy IT Solutions, but now work at
I am CompTIA A+ Certified, as well.
CLICK HERE for my other certifications.
My boys and I are members of
Other than spending time with my boys, computer, and work, my favorite current hobby is EVERYTHING. I collect old records and movies (there are few popular 50s - 80s songs that I don't have). I love horror and comedy movies, as well as action/adventure. I love to write, and my latest project, Capitol Murder: Tempers and Temperance -- Truth and Consequences has been accepted for publication in the Journal of Mississippi History. In my small amount of spare time, I dream of once again owning my first car, a 1972 Plymouth 'Cuda 340 4bbl, 4 speed bullet. My current vehicle is a Lincoln Town Car.
One of my favorite things to do happens on the way to and from school or work. When the weather's fine, I ride one of the fastest motorcycles ever produced -- a 1985 Honda Magna V65 (1100cc). It is water-cooled and has a 115+ horsepower engine, shaft drive, slotted triple disc brakes, 2 double-overhead cams, anti-dive front suspension with air-assist, and hydraulic everything. According to Cycle World magazine, when it was introduced, it would accelerate from 0-60 in 2.6 seconds. Take that, Porsche & Ferrari. But, all in all, riding the Magna is boring -- no one messes with you!
My former bike was a collector's item -- a 1975
Aside from the motorcycles, I play drums, trumpet and keyboard. I play
by ear or by reading music, but it's a lot more fun playing by ear. I played
drums professionally for several years with local bands throughout the state
and in Louisiana and have played as the opening act or in the backup band for
country stars such as Dottie West, Dickie Lee, Jim
Ed Brown, David Frizzell, and Kenny Price. Even so,
I am not that fond of COUNTRY MUSIC, except for a few artists (
My keyboard talent (somewhat limited) comes from a music scholarship in Jr. College, where I majored in music (keyboards). Although a wonderful instrument -- whether piano or organ (there are 2 types or organs -- Hammond and the other “inferior ones") -- a lifelong drummer is apt to find keyboards extremely boring. The same goes for the trumpet.
Any of the aforementioned music or recordings are reproduced with precision by magnetic field technology provided by a Carver M1.5t amplifier in 600 watt per channel (peak) doses and routed to and from a Vantas DPA S50 Surround Sound Processor, Carver TX-11 tuner, Sony cassette deck, Sony CD player, Sony turntable, and through 10 gauge Esoteric Audio cables to a pair of Pioneer HPM 100 speakers for the front, Optimus Pro X77 rear speakers, Polk CS 400 Center Channel Speaker, Klipsch KSW-15 (800 watt) powered subwoofer. All stereo equipment is connected to a RCA 1080i rear projection 52" stereo television which is fed doses of digital signals by a Sony Blu-Ray Player, and is guaranteed to keep the neighbors awake. My other surround sound (bedroom) is powered by a Sony 5.1 Channel 110 watt amp, Optimus speakers, Sony Blu-Ray player, and Samsung 40: HD flat-screen HDMI 1080p television. For legacy video (VHS) each system has an Optimus VHS player/recorder attached. When I'm not listening to prerecorded music, I'm tuned to Z106, Mississippi's Home of Rock & Roll.
Each stereo and computer system is protected by a Manhattan Arms and/or a Richards Belgium 12ga, double barrel shotgun with 3” 00 buckshot.
In addition to the aforementioned hobbies (and when there's time for television), some of my favorite shows are/were: Beavis & Butthead, Friends, Unhappily Ever After, Seinfeld, The Drew Carey Show, and the greatest show of all -- Married With Children. My Rolex Submariner assures that I'm never late for any of these programs.
As far as movies are concerned, some of my favorites are: To Kill A Mockingbird, Witness For the Prosecution, Stand By Me, any of the Indiana Jones movies, Porky's, good (let me emphasize good) horror movies, Independence Day, Twister, the Jurassic Park movies, and lots more.
Click on my Rolex For the EXACT Time !!
I also collect antique soft drink bottles, and pre-1980 comic books. I do not like commonplace things. For instance,
if I hunted, I would not use a 30.06 (rednecks pronounce this
"thirty-ought-six") rifle. I would have to be different and use a
7mm Magnum. I like to study disasters, such as the sinking of the Titanic,
the wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald ,
or Also, Click Here),
the explosion of Vesuvius that
buried the city of Pompeii, the mystery of the Bermuda Triangle, or the
gigantic explosion of Krakatoa off the
coast of Java. Other interests are the ancient tombs of Qin Shi Huang Ti,
the First Emperor of
I'm also an Astro Boy fan. Remember him?
Although I'm not a sports fan, per se, I do occasionally like to watch football and baseball. With that in mind, these are my two favorite teams.
MY SPECIFIC DISLIKES ARE:
1. RELIGIOUS DENOMINATIONS and institutions that think they're the ONLY
denomination or institution. For instance, when my first home page was located
at a certain college, it contained a link to the Book of Mormon. I was asked
by a self-appointed (and publicly anointed) hypocrite of that college to
remove the reference to the Book of Mormon from my home page. I guess this
person thinks that every place Jesus ever visited is listed in the Bible,
which excludes Him from coming into our homes and churches -- and certainly
that very college. I won't say what denomination this institution is. By the
2. PEOPLE who call themselves Christian, but are afraid to surround themselves with the "evils of the world." A true Christian should be a person that can walk amongst those evils, yet not be swayed into becoming like them. A true Christian SHOULD NOT be someone that automatically puts down another's religion without being willing to understand that ANY religion is better than none.
3. VANITY LICENSE PLATES. Very seldom do you see someone driving a
car with a license plate that says "MYZ28" and say "I wonder
who owns that car?" If someone steals the car, are they supposed to have
plates installed that read, "NOTMYZ28?" And, are we supposed to
really care? Why do people buy a vehicle -- let's use a Chevrolet Blazer for
example -- that has "Chevrolet" and "Blazer" nameplates
on the vehicle in 2 or 3 different places and pay $100.00 for a vanity tag
that says, guess what? "BLAZER."!!! Why do people install their
license plates with a license plate holder or frame made out of a chain? Do
they really think it looks good (or keeps someone from stealing their license
plate)? At least I understand part of the logic; here in
4. a. PEOPLE that think that just because they hold a position or degree in a subject, any person not holding that degree is incapable of understanding anything about that subject OR they think that you are supposed to understand everything about anything. I personally think that although a person has earned the title of "Doctor" from a school, he/she also has to earn the respect of the students by treating them with the respect that they -- the "customer" -- deserve. It's also a shame (or, better yet, sham) when they use their position to settle a personal vendetta when they haven't got the guts to address that person face-to-face.
b. While we're on titles, why do many people, especially in the world of computer administration, think that a title confers some type of power over others? It's just that some people know what responsibility a title brings, while many haven't got a clue -- especially those that hold the title of "Assistant." Often a person can be described by that title. Want proof? Take the first three letters of a title: i.e. MANager or PROfessor. See what I mean? Now try ASSistant. What about ASSistant PROfessor? Sort of redundant, don't you think? In the title ASSistant PROfessor, the first three letters of each word cancel each other out. What are you left with? Absolutely NOTHING. Amoeba have more prestige. I do want to state that everyone doesn't fit this category. I know some that do. You know who you are. Or do you have enough sense to know?
5. CAR COMMERCIALS.
a. Would you want to buy a car from someone that yells at you or uses an intimidatingly LOW Darth Vader voice to try to get you to buy a car? Don't they know that Darth Vader doesn't need a car?
b. And our local car dealers in
c. What about those that advertise "the biggest sale in history?" Don't they realize that if every sale was the "biggest in history," before long, cars wouldn't cost anything?
d. What about those that announce they'll "do anything it takes" or they'll "make you a deal you can't refuse?" A deal I can't refuse is called FREE.
e. What about the dealers that announce that they have to have a sale because they're overstocked? Sounds as if they need a different purchaser. Fire the person that does the ordering; that would solve the "overstocked" problem.
g. What about those car dealers that advertise that "no credit application will be refused?" Sure no credit APPLICATION will be refused. They'll take it and store in FILE 13. I won't refuse your credit APPLICATION, either, if you want to send one to me. I will refuse your CREDIT, though.
h. Here's one. . .There's a car commercial
that has some rough-voiced guy singing "I WANT A CAR; A CAR I CAN DRIVE
!!!" Let's examine this little tidbit of profundity. H-m-m-m, just what
in the hell do you buy a car for anyway ??? Have you
ever heard anyone really say, "I want a car; a car I can PUSH ???!!!" How stupid. I'll bet he can't pronounce
i. Here's another that I heard recently: "The 2001 models are on the way, but there are plenty of 2000 models left, and we must get rid of them to make room for the 2001s. We're letting the 2000 models go at rock-bottom prices." Well, MORONS, if you'd been selling the 2000 models at "rock-bottom" prices all year, you would have room for the 2001s.
j. Finally, who cares that, if after a car sale at a remote location
they announce, "We're Back On The
6. If it is a First Amendment violation for Government to interfere with Religion (eg: no prayers in public schools), why isn't it a First Amendment violation for Religious institutions to interfere with Government (eg: churches "campaign" against what they think is "best" for society)?
7. Anyone that makes plans at your expense and doesn't bother to show up. Most don't even call to let you know what happened. Included are those that depend on people like you and me for an income, yet never bother to respond when there is a problem, or return your call long after they know the problem has "gone away." They say they were busy, but we know that they were stalling because they didn't have a clue as how to solve the problem to start with.
8. Schools and colleges that refuse any earnest offer for assistance on projects while you're a student because they think they know it all (evidently, they're the only ones that share this opinion), but don't hesitate to ask you for money after you graduate. Do they actually think they'll get money from us then when they were so self-righteous as to refuse our offers when we really could afford to help? And do they actually think that after they've milked us dry from tuition costs, that we're going to run down to the bank and withdraw some more money to give to them? NOT !!!
9. Persons and denominations that refuse to let their children celebrate Halloween because they think it is a day of evil. Ignorance is Bliss. Christmas is a pagan holiday the same as Halloween. The last day of October is recognized as a day that people put on masks to frighten away -- not conjure evil spirits in preparation for the ACTUAL holiday celebrated on November 1st: All Saint's Day (aka. The Day of the Dead; not to be confused with the living dead (vampires, zombies, ghouls, ghosts, apparitions, witches, or the IRS)). Of course, evil can be committed on Halloween just as it can be committed on Christmas, New Year's Day, or your mother's birthday. For more information about Halloween, follow these links: LINK 1 LINK 2 LINK 3 (not the horror movies).
To stop a child from engaging in the age old tradition of Trick or Treat is ridiculous. Any person with the slightest amount of education knows that the very people that attempt to ban Halloween, attempt it on a day named after a deity in a month named after a deity and probably while wearing shoes named after a deity. For example: Sunday is dies solis (day of the sun), the first day of the week, day of our Lord; Monday is lunae dies (moon's day); Tuesday is martis dies (Tiu's or Tyr's day -- Tyr was the Norse God of War); Wednedsay is wednes dei (Woden's day -- Woden (Odin) was the chief Norse god); Thursday is jovis dei (Thor's day -- Thor was the Norse God of Thunder); Friday is fridai (Freya's day -- Freya was the Norse Goddess of Love and Beauty -- so it's OK for a Halloween hater to ban Trick or Treat, as long as he or she still gets their paycheck on a day named after a Norse goddess (or a day bearing the same name as a fictional Robinson Crusoe character)); Saturday is saturni dies (Saturn's day -- probably was also a day people sat around trying to find reasons to ban Halloween).
The months are no different. January was named after Janus, the Roman guardian or portals and patrons; February was named after the Roman festival of purification; March was named after the Roman God of War; April was the second month in the ancient Roman calendar; May was named after the Goddess of Increase; June was named after Juno the Roman Queen of the Gods and Goddess of Marriage; July was the month of Julius Caesar; August was probably named after Augustus Caesar; September was named after septem (seven) and was the seventh month of the ancient Roman calendar; October was named after octo (eight) and was the eighth month of the ancient Roman calendar; November was named after novem (nine) and was the ninth month of the ancient Roman calendar; and December was named after decem (ten) and was the tenth month of the ancient Roman calendar.
What about the shoes you're wearing? If they're Nike, they're named after Nike, the Goddess of Victory. Now don't you feel silly?
If we, as a civilized nation, do attempt to ban Halloween, maybe we need to revive the witch trials, as well. I can see the sign now: "Witch Burning Tomorrow -- Bring Your Own Marshmallows." Come on people, if you want to see what really is so scary, look in the mirror! The only real masks worn on Halloween are the masks of ignorance you hide behind.
10. Nicknames. Listen Folks !!! THERE IS NO SUCH PLACE AS "MICKY D'S !!! There is "McDuhs" (McDonalds), but I have yet to see a sign with "Micky D's" on it. I guess that name came from the same folks that named their child "Billy Joe Jim Bob" or "# 1, # 2, etc." You get the picture. Bob is not the same as Robert; Dick is not the same as Richard; Bill is not the same as William; Jack is not the same as John; Jim is not the same as James. Also, there is no "Bubba" or Jr." Those are designations. Where did all these extra names come from anyway? I can at least understand Rob for Robert or Rich for Richard or Will for William.
11. People who walk in through the out door and out through the in door. Why? Also, people that don't know that you're supposed to walk on the right side of a hallway or stairs. I guess they're the people that are used to walking down a roadway after their car has broken down (walk on the side FACING traffic).
12. People who don't know how to drive -- a.k.a. EVERYONE ! Here's some examples:
a. Don't you just hate it when some idiot has stopped in the middle of the road and is just sitting there waiting to turn, but has no signal on? Which way is he/she going? Do they know?
b. What about the ones that purposefully pull their vehicle partly out into the road, thinking that someone (namely you, the person with the right of way), is going to stop to let them meander themselves onto the roadway.
c. What's the deal with vehicles that have their back seats removed and replaced with woofers bigger than those found in homes? The stereo system output is several hundred, if not thousand, watts of nothing but loud thumps as they try to outdo each other in volume, only to win the race to see which one is the first to place an order for Miracle Ear. There is NO treble to these systems, and these people mistakenly think that it sounds good. But remember, they can't hear anyway. . .being deaf, they have to "FEEL" the sound. And what makes them think that, just because they are deaf, that I want to be too?
d. 1. Also, consider those that sit in the right-hand lane at a stop light preparing to turn right and, even though no cars are coming, they won't turn. Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't it the general rule in ALL STATES that, unless there is a sign specifically warning you that no right turns are allowed, it is OK to turn right after stopping if no cars are coming?
d. 2. In exact contradiction -- There's NO SUCH THING AS "TURN LEFT ON RED." The same people that won't turn right on red after stopping, will turn left on red, when no law I've ever heard of allows for left turns on red.
d. 3. What about the ones that turn at a 4-way intersection of 2 lane roads and, instead of turning into the lane closest to them, they pull all the way across into the far lane? The same goes for the ones pulling out onto a roadway. Instead of pulling into the closest lane, they pull into the left-hand-lane (the fast lane) and then drive about 14 m.p.h., causing the vehicles with the right-of-way to have to switch lanes to avoid colliding with them.
e. What's the deal with windows so dark that no one can see in? It's OK to have some form of protection from the glare of the sun, but, if I were a policeman, I would be very suspicious of any vehicle with windows so dark that it appeared to be driving itself.
f. Another thing. Consider the evolution of the vehicle idiots. Now the craze is to have tires and wheels sticking so far out from under the vehicle that you have to take up two parking spaces. In most states, it's illegal to have tires extending outside the fenderwells unless fenderwell extensions have been added. Besides, do these rocket scientists have any idea how they've screwed-up the chassis geometry, the handling, and the looks of these monstrosities by extending the wheels this way? At least it's good for comedy relief. Don't think that most policemen will enforce this part of the law, though, because most of these vehicles are never seen at do-nut shops!
g. ANYONE that puts ANYTHING fake on a vehicle. Why would anyone want to put a fake cellular antenna on a vehicle? For prestige? To announce to the world that they're stupid? Probably the latter. What about those that put, not one, but two fake cellular antennas on their vehicle? They're saying "I'm Stupid" and "Break into my car for nothing" all at the same time. Even if the dual antennas were real, the wavelength cancellation would render them ineffective.
h. Why do people drive when it's almost totally dark with only the parking lamps on? Guess what? Headlamps or driving lights are for driving, PARKING LAMPS are for sitting still, hence the name parking. Why can't people figure this out? Also, why do they insist on driving in blinding rain without their driving lights on? Is it because there are no switches marked "raining lights?"
i. Why does a driver go 35 m.p.h. in the fast lane of the Interstate when the weather's dry and 80 degrees, and then drive 70 on local streets when it's raining and/or freezing? This is especially true in trucks with no weight in the back. This is an accident waiting to happen. For an easier solution to the death wish, why don't they move to a third world country (or run for president)?
j. Don't you get tired of driving along on the interstate and having someone attempt to pass you, only to have them ride along beside you for several miles because their car's set on "cruise" and it's set to about 1/10 m.p.h. faster than you're going? What about the ones that come up behind you at about 90 m.p.h. on the interstate and then ride your bumper for miles instead of passing, although they have a clear lane in which to do so?
k. What about the ones that STOP ON THE INTERSTATE every morning just
to let those that are coming onto the interstate do so? In
l. One of the most ridiculous signs found while driving is the sign on the back of a fire truck or an ambulance that says "STAY BACK 500 FEET." It's so small that you can't read it until you are less than 50 feet away. What are you supposed to do then? Back up? See "k." above.
m. Why do drivers have to block an intersection just because they want to be able to go when the light ahead turns green? Their car is stuck out in the middle of the intersection, effectively blocking any perpendicular traffic from being able to go.
n. Why do some morons "drive sidesaddle" in their cars? That is, they drive seated in the middle of the front seat, as if they can't reach the radio.
o. Also, some drivers drive the car with the front seat so far back that they can barely reach the steering wheel. Did you ever wonder if their knuckles drag the ground when they walk?
13. This is a multi-part question (for you rednecks, this means that it has more than one part).
a. Why would anyone pay anyone else 35 million dollars?
b. Why would anyone pay anyone 35 million dollars to play football?
c. Why would anyone that is paid 35 million dollars to play football wear a rag on their head and dance around as if they had a bad case of hemorrhoids or as if they overdosed on Ex-Lax?
d. Why would anyone pay exorbitant prices for tickets to see anyone that is paid 35 million dollars play football?
e. Why would anyone ever wonder why a lot of football players can't spell F-O-O-T-B-A-L-L ? For more info, or a possible answer, look at the test that should be required of all college (and let's not leave out Professional) football players. Click Here for the Test.
f. Why would anyone that is paid 35 million dollars (or 35 dollars) give a rodent's rectum (rat's ass) whether I like them or not?
g. Is your Sports Team named after an ANIMAL? Now really, how many
times have you seen the actual animal -- Colt, Bronco, Dolphin, Falcon,
h. Also, what about ALL sports titles of "WORLD CHAMPION." Boxing, football, baseball, hockey, basketball (no, wrestling is NOT a sport), etc., all claim to have "WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP TEAMS." In theory, to be a world champion boxer, you have to fight EVERYONE in the world. Period. There are probably thousands of people out there that can totally destroy the so-called "world champions," but choose not to pursue that direction (mmmm, could it be that they have -- BRAINS?).
14. Why do people walk into a business and ask where the bathroom or restroom is? Why don't they simply ask for the location of the toilet. It would be a very rare occasion indeed to walk into a toilet and catch someone actually bathing (in a BATHROOM . . .unless they were small enough to fit into the commode). Also, how many people actually rest (in a RESTROOM). I've never seen one, so this automatically gives me an idea for a reclining commode (leather, stereo speakers in the headrest, footrest, electric toilet tissue replacer (I won't go into depth (no pun intended) with that one), back massager, and auto flush. Patent Pending. What would be the bathroom music playing? WIPEOUT?
15. What's happened to ELVIS ??? El Nino, that's what. They've blamed El Nino for everything else, why not for the death of Elvis? Can you believe that they've actually named the weather? Maybe that's what has kept me from becoming a millionaire. El Nino. How stupid !!!
16. What about someone that "hails" from somewhere? Nobody
"hails" from anywhere. I know it's a form of speech (particularly
redneck in origin), but what's wrong with "He LIVES in
17. Why do we call dead people late? Consider the preacher at a funeral, when he says, "Let us pay our respects to the LATE Mr. Brown. He was a young man, but was cut down in the prime of his life." If he died sooner than normal, doesn't that make him EARLY, instead of LATE ??? Saying that he's late is almost as if you're implying that he SHOULD have died sooner, but was LATE.
18. Would you really eat at a restaurant that advertises its food as "mouth-watering?" That's disgusting.
19. What about certain cartoons? Have you ever wished that Scooby Doo would DIE ??? This is one of the most irritating cartoons that ever came on TV. Why couldn't they have an intelligent dog, such as Mr. Peabody; not some idiot hound that can't even pronounce his own name (rooby rooby roo)? Here's hoping that Scooby Doo will fall out of the back of that disgustingly-decorated van and be crushed under the wheels of some eighteen-wheeler overloaded with Scooby Snacks. Scooby Doo first appeared in the mid-60s, which makes him 210+ years old. It's about time he dies, anyway. But, n-o-o-o, CARTOON NETWORK resurrects the flea-bitten son-of-a-bitch, and shows the episodes about 10 times a day. Where's Jack Kevorkian when you need him? Whenever you turn on the Cartoon Network, this mangy dog is on. Why don't they show Popeye instead? At least he had a woman worth lookin at. All Olive Oyl would have to do is have a body transplant, preferably from Kathy Ireland. Then there's Rocky and Bullwinkle, but we won't go into that, other than to mention that Rocky is long overdue as a roadkill candidate. Maybe, given enough time, Scooby Doo, Rocky, and Bullwinkle will become victims of El Nino.
DISCLAIMER: The aforementioned cartoons do not indicate the author's intentions to harm any living dog, squirrel, or moose. So, PETA, I don't need to hear any crap about harming animals -- especially cartoons.
20. What about so-called "World Champions?" Let's be
realistic, people. In actuality, to be a WORLD CHAMPION, you have to compete
against EVERY PERSON IN THE WORLD. If you're a boxer, there's no legitimate
way to claim that you're the champion of the world until you've fought every
person in the world (and not bitten off their ear, or any other appendage).
There are people in the world that choose to compete in sports and those that
choose not to. A world champion boxer, or skater, or whatever, is the world
champion over those in sports, not over everyone. Then, there's something
these "World Champions" might want to try.
. .it's called EDUCATION. By the way, who made the
21. Also, there are certain words that simply don't make sense. Take "retire," for example. Why would you spend 50 years working until you're so tired you can't see straight, only to want to be RE-TIRED. I think that being tired once, is enough.
22. Now for my 2-Step plan for
23. In one episode of The Beverly Hillbillies, Jed and Jethro stuck some matches in the stone wall several hundred feet away and shot them with their rifles, causing them to light. They shot them again and put them out. If Jed was such a good shot, why did he miss the rabbit in the first episode, and hit the ground, making the oil bubble to the top?
24. Speaking of Hillbillies, I despise Bill Clinton. PERIOD. Maybe he
should be called an ASSISTANT PRESIDENT (see 4(b) above for more on
ASSISTANTS). I pledge allegiance to the flag of the
25. Have you ever noticed that the "World's Top Hair Designers" have about the crappiest-looking hair you've ever seen?
26. * OR * The "World's Greatest Clothes Designers" wear designs that the Salvation Army wouldn't take off your hands?
27. Would you REALLY buy a book by Monica Lewinsky? What should it be called? "Close, But No Cigar?"
28. Has the Y2K problem affected you? I'm really mad, since I discovered that my bathroom isn't Y2K compliant. At the turn of the Century, my 2000 Flushes won't work past 1900 !!!
29. Would you really want to leave anything in your toilet that takes 2000 flushes to clean?
30. If a person can't read, how will they be able to call Hooked-On-Phonics at 1-800-ABC-DEFG ?
31. Why is it that, when you're watching TV, you see a commercial for a phone company. When you call the phone company, you're put on hold, only to hear the radio, and when you hear the radio, to hear a commercial for a TV program?
32. Why are there so many advertisements for the Yellow Pages in the YELLOW PAGES ?
33. Why do the names of so many mattress manufacturers start with the letter "S"? Simmons, Serta, Sealey, Spring Air. . .Because someone else is getting all the Z-z-z-z-z-z-z's?
34. Why won't the kids let the Trix Rabbit
have any cereal? This has been going on for way too long. Maybe the rabbit
should contact PETA for help. The lesson here? Kids, be sure to be stingy
with things. Don't share, no matter what. Remember the song by
35. . . .And then there's the Mighty
36. What about the latest cult -- "The Movement for the Restoration of the Ten Commandments of God" ?? What part of "Thou Shalt Not Kill" did they not understand ??
37. Guys...are you so redneck, or just so stupid, that you don't know to take off your cap when you're indoors? It was designed to keep the sun/rain off your head. If it's sunshining or raining inside, leave it on; otherwise be decent enough to remove it, or just stay home. Remove it, as well, during the singing of the National Anthem, and during a prayer.
38. Speaking of caps...what is fair about male graduates having to remove their caps (mortars) at graduation, but the women are allowed to keep theirs on? Talk about reverse discrimination !! Whether male or female, the mortar should be removed during a prayer, or if you're inside.
39. Women....before you install a "vanity plate" on your car that says something like "FXY LADY," you need to be sure that (1) You are foxy (having 2 teeth, oily hair, and weighing 300 lbs. doesn't qualify as "Foxy") and (2) that you're a lady (meaning a female with some other mentality than a woman wrestler).
40. Why do "little old ladies" that weigh 80 lbs. drive a
41. Why do we spend millions and millions of dollars on the "NEW DOUBLE-DIGITAL DOPPLER RADAR" to warn us of upcoming bad weather, but yet, we have to rely on a rodent every February 2, to determine if we're going to have 6 more weeks of Winter? I believe in the shadow, though....the shadow of our stomach hanging over our belt on February 4, from the Groundhog Stew we ate on February 3.
42. Advertisers often announce, "our product has been proven to be over 47% more effective than the leading brand." If it's so effective, why isn't IT the leading brand?
43. There is a DUI Attorney in the Jackson, MS area that explains in his commercials about the "Field Sobriety Test" given by police whenever you're stopped for suspicion of driving while intoxicated. He states that the Field Sobriety Test is mandantory, and that in all the years his Firm has been in business, "no test has ever been passed to the officer's satisfaction." Well...DUH ! If the tests HAD been passed to the officer's satisfaction, they wouldn't need a DUI Attorney, now would they?
44. Why is it that, if a guy walks into a bar without a shirt, he'll be thrown out, but if a girl walks into a bar without a shirt, she'll get free drinks?
45. Why do we have 10,000,000 Laws just to enforce the 10 Commandments?
46. Plural means MORE THAN ONE !! That means
that you can drive 1 MILE into town, or 1.1 MILES. The next town is not 5
MILE from here, it is 5 MILES. However,
Disclaimer: THE VIEWS EXPRESSED IN THE ABOVE
ARE MY PERSONAL VIEWS ONLY. They are not meant to harm anyone in any way. I
totally believe in the
There are also two things to remember when reading any of the above: (1) If you believe any of the above "dislikes" -- especially if you let it bother you -- you really ARE that stupid and (2) If you don't like them, do you really think I give a crap?
I hope you've enjoyed my version of the "EXPERIENCE IN VANITY" as found at many sites. It just goes to prove that, when Carly Simon sang "You're So Vain," she was writing that song about me.
Lord, it's hard to be humble, when you're PERFECT in every way." Mac
Believe that? No? Well, at least I feel better !
Stay Tuned for my Latest Book Entitled: When Life Sucked the Big One, I Was There
Copyright © by Ron Collins. 2009.