The 12 Days of
Christmas
(A Satirical Observation)
On the first day of Christmas, my true
love gave to me A partridge in a pear tree.
On the second day of Christmas, my
true love gave to me
Two turtle doves
and a partridge in a pear tree.
On the third day of Christmas, my true
love gave to me
Three French hens,
two turtle doves
and a partridge in a pear tree!
On the fourth day of Christmas, my
true love gave to me
Four calling birds,
three French hens,
two turtle doves
and a partridge in a pear tree!
On the fifth day of Christmas, my true
love gave to me
Five golden rings.
Four calling birds,
three French hens,
two turtle doves
and a partridge in a pear tree!
On the sixth day of Christmas, my true
love gave to me
Six geese a-laying,
five golden rings.
Four calling birds,
three French hens,
two turtle doves
and a partridge in a pear tree!
On the seventh day of Christmas, my
true love gave to me
Seven swans a-swimming,
six geese a-laying,
five golden rings.
Four calling birds,
three French hens,
two turtle doves
and a partridge in a pear tree!
On the eighth day of Christmas, my
true love gave to me
Eight maids a-milking,
seven swans a-swimming,
six geese a-laying,
five golden rings.
Four calling birds,
three French hens,
two turtle doves
and a partridge in a pear tree!
On the ninth day of Christmas, my true
love gave to me
Nine ladies dancing,
eight maids a-milking,
seven swans a-swimming,
six geese a-laying,
five golden rings.
Four calling birds,
three French hens,
two turtle doves
and a partridge in a pear tree!
On the tenth day of Christmas, my true
love gave to me
Ten lords a-leaping,
nine ladies dancing,
eight maids a-milking,
seven swans a-swimming,
six geese a-laying,
five golden rings.
Four calling birds,
three French hens,
two turtle doves
and a partridge in a pear tree!
On the eleventh day of Christmas, my
true love gave to me
Eleven pipers piping,
ten lords a-leaping,
nine ladies dancing,
eight maids a-milking,
seven swans a-swimming,
six geese a-laying,
five golden rings.
Four calling birds,
three French hens,
two turtle doves
and a partridge in a pear tree!
On the twelfth day of Christmas, my
true love gave to me
Twelve drummers drumming,
eleven pipers piping,
ten lords a-leaping,
nine ladies dancing,
eight maids a-milking,
seven swans a-swimming,
six geese a-laying,
five golden rings.
Four calling birds,
three French hens,
two turtle doves
and a partridge in a pear tree!
In the Western Church, the 12 Days of Christmas are the twelve days
beginning on December 25, and
extending through January 5 (the Twelfth
Night). Epiphany begins on January 6, and is recognized as the day the
three Magi, or Wise Men arrived to present their gifts to the Baby Jesus. Their gifts, of course, were Gold,
Frankincense, and Myrrh. There were,
according to traditional accounts, no partridges, turtledoves, French Hens,
calling birds, etc., as is mentioned in the song. However, according to the movie, there was
one Little Drummer Boy (which is just
what Mary and Joseph needed – loud banging while their Newborn is trying to
sleep).
Why Excess is NOT Always Good
Below is a 12 Days of Christmas Equity Chart,
which offers some interesting observations.
According to the nature of the song, each day is cumulative. Since you receive a new gift plus the
previous days’ gift for each of the twelve days, by the last (twelfth) day,
your “True Love” will have burdened you with 184 birds (12 Partridges, 22 Turtledoves, 30 French Hens, 36 Calling Birds, 42 Geese and 42 Swans), 40 Golden Rings, and 140 people of various sorts (40 Maids, 36 Ladies, 30 Lords, 22 Pipers and 12 Drummers), for a total of 364 “gifts.” Your “True Love” (A
Millionaire!) is cruising the Mediterranean while you’re
stuck at “Green Acres.”
Obviously
there will be no more pears, because they will be eaten by the partridges. There will be no more rest with the
turtledoves cooing, the birds calling, the pipers piping, and the drummers
drumming. The maids will need cows to
milk, and the geese will keep “a-laying,” which will require a substantial
investment in livestock, initiating a sell-off of the 40 Golden Rings. There will be no more
fun down at the “swimming hole,” due to it being occupied by 42 swans. On the bright side, with the 30 Lords a-leaping and the 36 Ladies dancing, you could open a
nightclub, recoup your losses and sell it to some foreign investor, providing
the local zoning ordinances allow for such an establishment to be constructed
in the first place. You’d be better off
to refuse all the “gifts,” or to marry * your “True Love” and let him/her
finance the whole show (which almost certainly assures that the two of you will
be appearing on the “Jerry Springer Show” in the near future). Or…you can simply move to Hooterville,
celebrate December 25th as the only Christmas Day, and get some
much-needed rest when it’s all over.
Day 1
|
1
|
0
|
0
|
0
|
0
|
0
|
0
|
0
|
0
|
0
|
0
|
0
|
Daily Equity Gain
1
|
“Gifts” Now in Your Possession
1
|
Day 2
|
1
|
2
|
0
|
0
|
0
|
0
|
0
|
0
|
0
|
0
|
0
|
0
|
3
|
4
|
Day 3
|
1
|
2
|
3
|
0
|
0
|
0
|
0
|
0
|
0
|
0
|
0
|
0
|
6
|
10
|
Day 4
|
1
|
2
|
3
|
4
|
0
|
0
|
0
|
0
|
0
|
0
|
0
|
0
|
10
|
20
|
Day 5
|
1
|
2
|
3
|
4
|
5
|
0
|
0
|
0
|
0
|
0
|
0
|
0
|
15
|
35
|
Day 6
|
1
|
2
|
3
|
4
|
5
|
6
|
0
|
0
|
0
|
0
|
0
|
0
|
21
|
56
|
Day 7
|
1
|
2
|
3
|
4
|
5
|
6
|
7
|
0
|
0
|
0
|
0
|
0
|
28
|
84
|
Day 8
|
1
|
2
|
3
|
4
|
5
|
6
|
7
|
8
|
0
|
0
|
0
|
0
|
36
|
120
|
Day 9
|
1
|
2
|
3
|
4
|
5
|
6
|
7
|
8
|
9
|
0
|
0
|
0
|
45
|
165
|
Day 10
|
1
|
2
|
3
|
4
|
5
|
6
|
7
|
8
|
9
|
10
|
0
|
0
|
55
|
220
|
Day 11
|
1
|
2
|
3
|
4
|
5
|
6
|
7
|
8
|
9
|
10
|
11
|
0
|
66
|
286
|
Day 12
|
1
|
2
|
3
|
4
|
5
|
6
|
7
|
8
|
9
|
10
|
11
|
12
|
78
|
364
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Total
|
Total
|
Total
|
Total
|
Total
|
Total
|
Total
|
Total
|
Total
|
Total
|
Total
|
Total
|
Total
|
Total
|
|
12
|
22
|
30
|
36
|
40
|
42
|
42
|
40
|
36
|
30
|
22
|
12
|
364
|
364
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Partridge in a Pear Tree
|
Turtledoves
|
French Hens
|
Calling Birds
|
Golden Rings
|
Geese a-Laying
|
Swans a-Swimming
|
Maids a-Milking
|
Ladies Dancing
|
Lords a-Leaping
|
Pipers Piping
|
Drummers Drumming
|
All
|
All
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Chart by Cody
and Ron Collins, December, 2002.
* NOTE: Since there are 365 days in the year, and there
are 364 gifts given throughout the 12 Days of Christmas, there are
enough gifts to play/enjoy/eat for every day except ONE. On that ONE day, I strongly suggest that you
have the wedding mentioned in the paragraph above. It might be the only time you ever see
him/her because of all of the ruckus at your cozy
little farm.
However, for a
non-satirical account of the song and the meaning of the gifts, go to http://www.cresourcei.org/cy12days.html. In this account, the “True Love” is God, and “me”
is every baptized person of the Christian Faith. The satirical account listed above is NOT
intended to degrade any belief. It is
just the product of someone with too much time on their hands.